I can confidently say I never want to go back to the psych ward. I spent eleven days and ten nights in the most uncomfortable cardboard bed, being fed sleeping pills and benzodiazepines so I could try to sleep through the noises of screaming patients; their agony still plagues me months later, though there were nights where I had to laugh through the chaos to survive it. During these long, frustrating nights, every fifteen minutes a hospital technician would open my door loudly, letting in the bleak overhead lights, to make sure I hadn’t tried to harm myself or anyone else. I thought checking myself into the hospital would help my painstaking insomnia; it just made it worse. But before I write more about the hospital, I want to explain how I ended up there.
I have obsessive compulsive disorder, a highly misunderstood and incorrectly stereotyped illness. Most people assume that OCD is about excessive concern with germs or symmetry, leading to obsessive hand washing or organizing/straightening up. While these obsessions and compulsions may be a painful reality for a small number of OCD sufferers, the disorder is much more complex than the general public realizes. In actuality OCD is a disorder in which people suffer from constant unwanted intrusive thoughts about an endless array of immensely distressing topics.
Any unpleasant thought can plague an OCD sufferer, but some common “themes” that manifest in the OCD mind are: harm (of self and others), illness (germs and diseases), religious (fears of blasphemy/righteousness), existential (thoughts about existence), sexuality (fears of not knowing true identity), and relationships (plaguing relationship anxiety). Here is a great article that goes further in detail about more OCD “themes”:
https://www.flatironcbt.com/post/12-common-ocd-themes
To be clear, the thoughts of an OCD sufferer are unwanted and are about the fear of the obsessions, though the obsessive thoughts are usually irrational and unlikely scenarios. Therefore, someone with OCD who is obsessing over the possibility that they have the ability to harm someone else is NOT more likely to pick up a knife and stab someone. In fact, they are extremely unlikely to act on the thought of violence, because the thought of violence is so scary and distressing. They might start avoiding knives, stop watching tv in fear of seeing violent scenes, and even not want to leave their bed. The problem of the OCD mind is that one gets stuck on a thought, rather than letting it pass by like a mosquito.
All humans have weird, unpleasant thoughts. Everyone might have a thought at some point like: “that person is so annoying, I want to punch them in the face.” However, the OCD brain will attach to a thought and give it more meaning than it deserves. The thought of punching someone in the face will lead to thoughts like “could I be a violent person?”, “what if I hurt someone and go to jail?”, “why am I thinking about hurting someone? I must be crazy.” One thought turns to a million questions, which turns into obsessive worry about the possibilities of what more than likely will never happen. The OCD sufferer will begin to create a world of their own where they avoid doing what they fear most.
OCD does not end with worrisome obsessions. It is followed by compulsions, sometimes physical actions, and oftentimes invisible mental compulsions called “checking”. For example, if someone suffering with OCD is obsessing about their relationship’s “rightness”, they might spend 8 or 9 hours a day thinking about whether or not they’re with the best possible partner for them, collecting mental data about their compatibility or lack thereof, and looking up articles on the internet about how to know if your partner is “the one”.
Most people who have a subcategory of OCD known as “relationship OCD” are in healthy, loving relationships but their brain wants absolutely certainty that they are with “the one”. In truth, there is no way to know that you have picked the best possible person in the entire world for you. However, the OCD mind is absolutely relentless about the quest for certainty, whether that’s certainty that they will never possibly harm another person, or whether they are partnered with the only person in the universe who is “right” for them. As a side note, there is an amazing new book by therapist Sheva Rajaee called Relationship OCD that focuses on cognitive behavioral therapy to cope with this common OCD theme. Below is the link to purchase:
There is so much more that could be said about OCD and all it’s complexities, but I want to close with what lead me to the hospital. My personal OCD “themes” that have plagued me throughout life have been sexual orientation OCD, relationship OCD, moral scrupulosity OCD, and many more. However, in April 2022 the most intense and frightening theme I have had manifested thousands of feet above ground in an air plane. I began to have existential OCD, questioning my existence, my sanity, the purpose of life, and whether or not it would be easier to kill myself than to go through the agony of these answerless questions and thoughts. OCD wants answers, and no religious text, philosophical theory, or spiritual practice could lead me to the answers my OCD brain desperately wanted to solve.
Thankfully during this existential OCD crisis I had (and still have) an amazing therapist through an organization called NOCD that links people with OCD to therapists who are trained in Exposure and Response Therapy (ERP), the gold standard treatment for OCD. I will provide the link to the NOCD website, as well as a link to a wonderful podcast (The OCD Stories) for OCD sufferers, therapists, and anyone who wants to better understand the illness. My therapist recognized that my existential questions about life, death, and purpose had begun to blur the lines between OCD and suicidal ideation. I felt I would act on the ultimate OCD compulsion, killing myself to relieve the pain of my endless questions. She sat down with my parents and I and said it was time to go to the emergency room. My next blog post will begin to unravel my journey from the ER to my ambulance ride over to the psych ward. Its a bumpy ride, so buckle up and be ready to laugh and cry with me through the chaos. Stay tuned.
Link for NOCD therapy:
Link for The OCD Stories podcast:
Certifiable Mermaid 
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